a pain that i enjoy

So what's new lately? I've found a routine that i enjoy. And though not completely satisfied with my living conditions, I could not imagine a better place to live while being in pharmacy school at UMKC. That seems like a stretch to make the best, and in some ways it is. The pain that I enjoy includes the pain of still living far away from the city. I haven't lived "near" where I play/work/school/have friends for most of my life. The drive takes its toll on me, by depriving me of an extra hour of sleep, the stress that comes from being in traffic, the uneasiness that my own polluting gives me, or the distance (both literal and figurative) between my friends and I. The city is definitely where the action is, but I have still chosen to stay away. Instead I made my home far from people, in the most isolated, but habitable place that I know to exist. It seems that I have adopted two lifestyles; one in which I drive far away, walk an empty dock, row out from land, and get to my spot where no one could hear a scream and the stars are brighter than ever. The other life includes coming to school, talking with classmates, playing bike polo at night, going to parties, seeing shows, plugging in to outlets to charge my electronics, using the internet, eating out, and all kinds of other modern and normal activities. I don't know if I could do one without the other, but at different times I feel certain that I could. A part of me wants to move into the city, gain touch with friends, get an iphone, ride my bike everywhere, hangout late, wake up 20 minutes before class, and have all the modern conveniences in close reach. The other part wants to set sail, and leave everything I dont need on shore. I could be self-sufficient, leaving no carbon footprint behind, not relying on others for company or comfort, and not give anything to society nor take anything away. I am doing neither and staying in between the two options for now, which is sometimes a difficult task.

The night before last was possibly the worst night on the boat thus far. I have had light rains, and had to row out very late at night, and been kept up slightly by cold nights or not the most comfortable bed....but there was quite a wind storm the other night that kept me up due to worrying about my anchor line breaking, being rocked constantly back and forth, and the loud sounds from the waves breaking, the clanking of the halyards slapping the mast, or the wind whipping around my boat making sounds like when you blow in a bottle. That is part of the experience though, and from it I now know atleast how much wind it can take, and that I won't get seasick if I am rocked similarly again, which I will.

I was initially going to make a post about being somewhat lonely, but it is not such a depressing thing, and it is something that I take comfort in. I would be a lot more likely to go with the "set sail" option if I had someone to go it with me though. And as I sit here waiting for class to start, with cords across my lap and earphones in my ears, looking out the window at brick buildings, or the metered street with cars packed tightly, after making sure to check my email and facebook....I wanna go home!