a pain that i enjoy

So what's new lately? I've found a routine that i enjoy. And though not completely satisfied with my living conditions, I could not imagine a better place to live while being in pharmacy school at UMKC. That seems like a stretch to make the best, and in some ways it is. The pain that I enjoy includes the pain of still living far away from the city. I haven't lived "near" where I play/work/school/have friends for most of my life. The drive takes its toll on me, by depriving me of an extra hour of sleep, the stress that comes from being in traffic, the uneasiness that my own polluting gives me, or the distance (both literal and figurative) between my friends and I. The city is definitely where the action is, but I have still chosen to stay away. Instead I made my home far from people, in the most isolated, but habitable place that I know to exist. It seems that I have adopted two lifestyles; one in which I drive far away, walk an empty dock, row out from land, and get to my spot where no one could hear a scream and the stars are brighter than ever. The other life includes coming to school, talking with classmates, playing bike polo at night, going to parties, seeing shows, plugging in to outlets to charge my electronics, using the internet, eating out, and all kinds of other modern and normal activities. I don't know if I could do one without the other, but at different times I feel certain that I could. A part of me wants to move into the city, gain touch with friends, get an iphone, ride my bike everywhere, hangout late, wake up 20 minutes before class, and have all the modern conveniences in close reach. The other part wants to set sail, and leave everything I dont need on shore. I could be self-sufficient, leaving no carbon footprint behind, not relying on others for company or comfort, and not give anything to society nor take anything away. I am doing neither and staying in between the two options for now, which is sometimes a difficult task.

The night before last was possibly the worst night on the boat thus far. I have had light rains, and had to row out very late at night, and been kept up slightly by cold nights or not the most comfortable bed....but there was quite a wind storm the other night that kept me up due to worrying about my anchor line breaking, being rocked constantly back and forth, and the loud sounds from the waves breaking, the clanking of the halyards slapping the mast, or the wind whipping around my boat making sounds like when you blow in a bottle. That is part of the experience though, and from it I now know atleast how much wind it can take, and that I won't get seasick if I am rocked similarly again, which I will.

I was initially going to make a post about being somewhat lonely, but it is not such a depressing thing, and it is something that I take comfort in. I would be a lot more likely to go with the "set sail" option if I had someone to go it with me though. And as I sit here waiting for class to start, with cords across my lap and earphones in my ears, looking out the window at brick buildings, or the metered street with cars packed tightly, after making sure to check my email and facebook....I wanna go home!

This morning I had to put my dog, Tucker, to sleep. He got ran over last night, and could not walk. I stayed with him through the night, and this morning the doctor said there was nothing that could be done and it would only get worse. 13 years is a long time for a beagle to live, and he had a pretty sweet life protecting the yard from squirrels, boats, and cars. It had to happen sometime. It is the first time in quite a while that I have really cried, which is kind of a relief to know that I am not numb to that kind of emotion. I will probably have another dog one day, and I will probably outlive it as I did Tucker. That's the way it goes, and there are lessons to be learned by it. I loved him.

College

I was looking back at my last post, and saw that it was 2 weeks before school started. It has been over a month since then, which is too long between posts for me to recall everything. I would like to include more day to day thoughts, but instead I will jot down the highlights to the best of my memory. The biggest change has been living on my sailboat. It started out with my 3 day outing with my friends Jeremy and Aaron, and I came to realize how comfortable and relaxing it was. Aside from a few more trips and traveling, I have made it my home since. After us three stayed on the boat for a few days, we made a roadtrip north to Minneapolis. I had never been there before, so I was excited to check it out. We stayed with a rad dude, had a good time visiting Minneapolis’ finest, and I found a giant trunk near a dumpster which occupied the entire backseat for the remainder of the trip. From there, we headed to Fargo, North Dakota. I have always had a fascination with Fargo; partially from the movie, partially because North Dakota is one of the last states I have yet to visit, and also due to my fascination with the isolated, and the eerie small town feel that I imagined. I would have to say it was the highlight of the trip, but it would be difficult for me to explain why while making sense to most. After Fargo we made a stop in Omaha, where we visited the zoo, and Ally Q, and played Keno too. I returned home on a Friday and left the same day towards Arkansas for some rock climbing at a place called ‘Horseshoe Canyone’. Austin had been working with a guy on a documentary film about rock climbing, and since they were headed out there to do some filming, I jumped on the chance to camp and rock climb a bit before school started on Monday. We got home late Sunday night, and school began the next day. It was a pretty usual first week of school….it was nice seeing some of my peers but slightly sad reminding myself that I live a semi-normal life with deadlines and time frames in place. Even though it is hard to believe, I really have a love for being in school and expanding my knowledge in that area. It already seems like the end of my college career is coming close….but I wouldn’t mind staying longer. During the school year I am amongst kids my own age, and I still manage to do more traveling than most, and enjoy my days…and also the 3 or 4 months out of the year that I don’t have school I wear myself out with every possibility I can imagine. All of this seems fairly dull in comparison to my excitement for moving onto my sailboat. It is the best beginning and end to any day I could have. I love the eerie feeling of walking down the dock at night, slowly rowing a dinghy across the smooth water, stepping aboard and lighting my candles and lantern, and opening up the hatch and watching stars, or watching a movie while being rocked to sleep. On other nights, I pull my sailboat up to the dock where I can use electricity, and listen to my record player. It is really something special to me, and it makes me happy even when I am discouraged by other things around me. I plan on staying on it until the end of November, when I have to take it out of the water until next season. On another note, I have been playing a lot of bicycle polo on Sunday and Wednesday nights which has been a lot of fun, and a good source of exercise. I have also made a couple trips to Columbia since school has started, including this weekend which was the first “Hustle Dance Party” which Austin has been working on putting together at a coffee shop/venue in downtown Columbia. I have been helping him with it a bit and manned the door on Friday night. It wasn’t as great of a turnout as we were hoping, but it was still a fun time and we hope to have one again. We also threw another, slightly tamer, boat party at Lotawana with a generator running Austin’s DJ equipment. We woke the neighbors, did some night swimming, and kept the boat barely afloat so it was an all around good time. Up and coming events include throwing another theme party sometime in the hangar, another “Hustle dance party” in a couple weeks, my white coat ceremony for pharmacy this Friday, plans to go to New Orleans in October, and my 24^th birthday October 1^st with Girl Talk playing in Lawrence or Passion Pit in KC. More frequent updates I promise.